Captured By Love

Sometimes all you need for a perspective change is to ask for one.

Yesterday during staff training we were discussing outreach. For those of you who aren’t familiar with YWAMer lingo, “Outreach” basically refers to a missions trip. Generally these “outreaches” are 10 weeks long and are done while apart of a Discipleship Training School or a secondary school. They don’t have to be with a school – staff can plan their own – but generally they are done with students and have staff as leaders. Before the school starts, staff members pray and ask where they should go. They then begin to plan, organize and pray for the outreach they will be leading.  Students find out all the locations later (towards the middle of their lecture phase) and pray about which one they should join.

Outreach is a scary concept for me. By leading one, I will be in charge of a group of people in a foreign country. Utterly terrifying. The concept seemed a little foreign to my heart too. I am by no means saying that I am not passionate about what I do. I love being in YWAM and getting to disciple youth is amazing and life giving for me. I love people, and want to see everyone come to know Jesus, but sometimes it takes longer for your heart to understand things than your brain. This was my heart for outreach. Hesitant. Apprehensive. Wary. I know the power of outreach – I had an awesome time in Asia last year – but sitting there in the living room yesterday, my heart wasn’t breaking for the lost. My head knew that it was sad, and that Jesus desires these people, but my heart was lagging.

Right before we were about to begin the first prayer session for Outreach, Cory (one of our base leaders who is visiting us here in Florida) felt like she needed to say something. She talked to us about how Outreach used to be hard for her and that she needed to ask God to open her heart more. There used to be a disconnect between her heart and her head. She needed her heart to understand His heart for the people. I didn’t realize that was what was happening to me until she voiced that. She said that if we felt that way too, then we should ask for God to help us in that area.

I was terrified. Did I really want to ask God what his heart was for this? I knew it would be painful. But because it was painful to him, I knew that it was important. But as the prayer time began, I “casually” avoided asking him for his perspective on outreach. I started off by asking him where I should go. I jotted some things down in my notebook, but everything felt superficial. When I pray I like to write it down. When I really hear God, words just seem to flow from my head to my hand and onto the page. But this was like pulling teeth; slow and painful. Then I wrote down “Dream huge. Don’t be afraid”, and that reminded me of the new years resolution that I made. I resolved to be brave. To take risks. I then realized that this was a place where I needed bravery.  So I asked him. What I felt in the next 24 minutes was gut-wrenching and beautiful. 

I got a picture of Jesus. He was standing close to someone. I couldn’t tell who they were, but that was irrelevant. What was relevant was how he felt for this person. He was reaching out and His fingertips mere millimeters from this person. But despite how hard he reached, he couldn’t touch them. The desire he felt for this person was painful. He wanted so badly to reach out and embrace them, but he couldn’t. They needed to come the rest of the way to Him. He needed their permission. They needed to say yes to Him. Once they did, he could embrace them. He could fix them. He could comfort them in His strong arms. The pain and righteous frustration was so unfair. So close and yet so far. “How gloriously unfair,” I wrote “to sit and watch on the sides as people you love, so close to your grasp, sink in to depression, pain and desperation. How heart wrenching to have the keys but to not be allowed to open the door without permission. To have to wait and hope that one day, they will allow you to open that door.” I then continued to write, “But how beautiful is the one who waits. How amazing he is to not give up, but to endure that pain out of a crazy loving hope. This is love. This is dedication. This is pursuit. This is the God I serve. Who else would just sit and wait for us. To hope and hurt for us. To allow us such freedom that it would cause him this pain. To feel the breadth of every emotion and yet bear it all out of love. So close, and yet not close enough. What anticipation. What longing. What level of desire would pin him there. What a God of ferocity and devotion to endure the pain of waiting and not give up.”

God knows all people by name. He is calling for them with outstretched arms. He is so close to them, and all they have to do is say yes. This is the purpose behind Outreach: to introduce them to the God who desires them above all else. What a privilege it is to help them cross those last few millimeters. To be entrusted with this is such an honor. My heart was so full after that session. I was almost in tears the entire time. To get a glimpse of that was so powerful. To feel so trapped in love. Frozen and unable to move because of His devotion to us. It gave me a completely different outlook on outreach and people. He views everyone who doesn’t know him like this. Wow.

I serve such a beautiful God. He is so real and loving. His pursuit is so inspiring. Outreach may still scare me, but now I can say that my heart feels full of excitement for it. Everyone deserves to feel the love of the One who waits with such devotion.