Captured By Love

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love - 1 John 4:18

Everyone has those areas that they struggle with. Those things that they grew up thinking were just a part of who they were, only to realize that they are called to greater ways, and that they are more broken then they actually realized. These past few months have been a part of that journey for me. A journey of discovery about myself, and discovering something that I have unknowingly (and sometimes even knowingly) given into over and over again.

I can remember back to when I first felt real fear. I can remember where I was, what I was doing, and who I was with. I can remember being so terrified that a wave of cold swept through my body. There was a shaking that I couldn't stop, and a sinking feeling that I couldn't understand. When fear grips you, it's a paralizing feeling. It seems to freeze you instantly. This would become the first of many panic attacks I would face growing up. Now being the perfectionist that I was, of course I felt like I could turn to no one. Who would love me when I wasn't perfect?

Now for those of you who have heard me share my testimony, you know that it gets much brighter from there. After almost 8 years of panic attacks, I haven't had another since I was 18. It is truly a testament to the goodness and faithfulness of God to meet us where we are. I didn't have to be perfect and I didn't have to have it all together. And the more I gave my life to Him, the more I was able to walk in a greater freedom from these attacks.

The End...? Nope. Not actually.

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? - Luke 12:25

Since then, I've seem to have become burdened with worry. Now I've been known to worry and stress, and it seemed like a normal part of my life. It seemed foolhardy not to think about the outcome of things and be prepare for the outcomes both good and bad; the bad ones just seemed to take over my mind more. I mean logically they need more mental preparation than the good right? Restless sleeps seemed to become more common, and waking up instantly thinking about the "What ifs" a natural part of my day. Recently, I would find myself thinking and worrying about whether or not I was in God's will. What if I heard him wrong. What if i've disappointed Him. What if. What if. What if.

I read something the other day. It said "What if your normal, isn't actually normal." That hit me pretty hard. Had I become so used to worry, that it had become my normal?

When you think about, it worry is just another word for fear. Worry and fear are both doubting that God is good; that He may not be who He says He is. You doubt that He has your best interest at heart, so you forget that He is good and worry. You think that he wont like a decision that you make, so you fear moving forward at all because He may take away your grace. You fear that God is mad at you, or worse, disappointed. Or at least that has been me recently.

Even reading over what I've written, it seems silly. I know all of this! But knowing who God is in your head and heart are two different things. So, how do I stop worry and fear from controlling my life. This is the question now, and the answer has been under my nose the whole time! The answer is love.

In my last blog post about love I concluded that because God is love, He is in the things that you love. Well, what about the things that God loves? What about me? I don't get shafted of this either. God made me, He loves me, and He's filled me with the Holy Spirit. The Bible says that "...perfect love drives out fear...", and what can drive out my fears better than the presence of the Lord that I'm filled with. Now, I'm not saying this whole getting rid of all my worries will happen over night. No, I understand that I am human, and that sometimes we like to take steps (or sometimes leaps) backwards. But what I also understand is that the more I know God, the more I try to understand about His perfect love, the more I am promised that my fears and worries will flee from me. I am loved. No matter what. Even through all my worries, doubts, what ifs, and buts. God is love, and that perfect love is all that I need.