Captured By Love

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love - 1 John 4:18

Everyone has those areas that they struggle with. Those things that they grew up thinking were just a part of who they were, only to realize that they are called to greater ways, and that they are more broken then they actually realized. These past few months have been a part of that journey for me. A journey of discovery about myself, and discovering something that I have unknowingly (and sometimes even knowingly) given into over and over again.

I can remember back to when I first felt real fear. I can remember where I was, what I was doing, and who I was with. I can remember being so terrified that a wave of cold swept through my body. There was a shaking that I couldn't stop, and a sinking feeling that I couldn't understand. When fear grips you, it's a paralizing feeling. It seems to freeze you instantly. This would become the first of many panic attacks I would face growing up. Now being the perfectionist that I was, of course I felt like I could turn to no one. Who would love me when I wasn't perfect?

Now for those of you who have heard me share my testimony, you know that it gets much brighter from there. After almost 8 years of panic attacks, I haven't had another since I was 18. It is truly a testament to the goodness and faithfulness of God to meet us where we are. I didn't have to be perfect and I didn't have to have it all together. And the more I gave my life to Him, the more I was able to walk in a greater freedom from these attacks.

The End...? Nope. Not actually.

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? - Luke 12:25

Since then, I've seem to have become burdened with worry. Now I've been known to worry and stress, and it seemed like a normal part of my life. It seemed foolhardy not to think about the outcome of things and be prepare for the outcomes both good and bad; the bad ones just seemed to take over my mind more. I mean logically they need more mental preparation than the good right? Restless sleeps seemed to become more common, and waking up instantly thinking about the "What ifs" a natural part of my day. Recently, I would find myself thinking and worrying about whether or not I was in God's will. What if I heard him wrong. What if i've disappointed Him. What if. What if. What if.

I read something the other day. It said "What if your normal, isn't actually normal." That hit me pretty hard. Had I become so used to worry, that it had become my normal?

When you think about, it worry is just another word for fear. Worry and fear are both doubting that God is good; that He may not be who He says He is. You doubt that He has your best interest at heart, so you forget that He is good and worry. You think that he wont like a decision that you make, so you fear moving forward at all because He may take away your grace. You fear that God is mad at you, or worse, disappointed. Or at least that has been me recently.

Even reading over what I've written, it seems silly. I know all of this! But knowing who God is in your head and heart are two different things. So, how do I stop worry and fear from controlling my life. This is the question now, and the answer has been under my nose the whole time! The answer is love.

In my last blog post about love I concluded that because God is love, He is in the things that you love. Well, what about the things that God loves? What about me? I don't get shafted of this either. God made me, He loves me, and He's filled me with the Holy Spirit. The Bible says that "...perfect love drives out fear...", and what can drive out my fears better than the presence of the Lord that I'm filled with. Now, I'm not saying this whole getting rid of all my worries will happen over night. No, I understand that I am human, and that sometimes we like to take steps (or sometimes leaps) backwards. But what I also understand is that the more I know God, the more I try to understand about His perfect love, the more I am promised that my fears and worries will flee from me. I am loved. No matter what. Even through all my worries, doubts, what ifs, and buts. God is love, and that perfect love is all that I need. 

What get's you out of bed in the morning? Is it that perfectly brewed cup of coffee? What about the smell of fresh cut grass? Or that perfect sunny day? Life is full of things to enjoy, things to really love and look forward to.

I was reading a book this past summer at Pines about the heart. How it works, how we feel through every day life, and what love is exactly. One morning, while the sun was rising over the tops of the pine trees, making beams of light through the fog that was still rolling around, I was out on the porch reading. The author challenged his readers to make a list of things that they love. Order wasn't important. Just write down what popped into your head. Never one to deny a challenge I grabbed my journal, wrapped myself up in my blankets, and started writing. Here's what I came up with...

• Sand in my toes
• Wind in my hair
• Hugs
• Sunrise
• Sunset
• Travelling
• Green Grass
• Wandering in the woods
• Swimming at night
• Holding hands
• Putting on warm laundry
• Reading good books
• Jumping into cold water
• Being competitive 
• Eating ice cream out of the tub
• Jesus
• Daises
• Giving and receiving gifts
• Driving fast
• Running through sprinklers
• Listening to music really loud
• Negative film rolls
• Being joyful
• Laughing until you cry
• Stargazing
• Worship
• Cold mornings
• Lying in the sun
• Fresh cut grass
• Fresh baking
• Bass
• Video Games
• Trampolines
• Eating good food
• Being encouraged and encouraging others
• Dressing up
• Midnight picnics 
• Surprises
• Fuzzy PJ's 
• Cuddles
• New socks
• Sleeping in

I looked at my list, and while I was proud of it, I was a but alarmed that there were only a few things that were outlandishly Christian. What kind of missionary was I?! Where were the sacred things? Then I took a step back and remembered "RIGHT... God made every good thing...". Everything good about the world, the things that get you out of bed, the things that get your heart beating faster, He made them.

Now you can give me grief.  You can ask me "Trinda, how can you find Jesus in a pair of new socks?!" Well lemme tell ya! Those things that you love reveal God to you because God is Love. He doesn't just love you, or teach us how to love. He is, in fact, love itself. He can't not love because everything about love is Him. He is Love. (What a roller coaster of a paragraph! OH I also love roller coasters ;) )

We all experience love different. Your list may be different than mine, and I'm pretty weird, so it probably is! haha. That doesn't change the way your list makes you feel. It's what wakes you up and keeps you going. It's what gets you excited. Love is exciting. And what you love makes your life worth living.

God knew what he was doing when he made the world. Imagine a world without taste. Sure, we would probably still eat, but where would the joy in that come from? For people who love to cook, something that draws them into the heart of God would be gone. What about a world without colours, or animals, or books, or candy! The world we live on is a crazy melting pot of new opportunities to see God and understand Love in a new way. The next time you find something new to love, look for God in it and thank Him for it, because God made your life worth living.

Do you ever wish that you understood everything. I do. All the time. My brain is filled with useless facts and random trivia that only really seem to really help me when I watch game shows like Jeopardy with my father. I love learning new things, exploring new things, and having a random fact for every occasion. I will read anything I can get my hands on, and actually enjoy watching science and math videos on YouTube (although the majority of my YouTube viewing still consists of a mixture of cat videos and people falling off things). I have this hunger deep within me to know; to attain knowledge.

The funny thing about this is that I will never be able to know everything. It really is like Socrates said "The more you know, the more you realize you know nothing." The more of an understanding you have in something, the more you understand the depth of what you do not know. The world is so full of things to know, when you realize that you will never be able to understand everything, it kind of blows your mind.

I was thinking about that insurmountable amount of knowledge today, and how God created the world. When I look at the world, I see God. I see him in the trees, in the mountains and in the fields. He is everywhere. His name written on everything proudly like when an artist signs his artwork. I believe that God created this world to give us a better understanding of who he is and the depth he has to him. The depth of the world and everything in it alludes to the even greater depth that God has to him. The more I seek Him, the more I find Him. And the more that I find and understand Him the more that I realize I have so much more to learn, and that I will never fully understand Him at all.

People I've talked to seem to get frustrated with this. They want to understand every little thing about Him. They seem perturbed at, rather than interested in, someone they will never fully comprehend. I've thought long and hard about this point. Should it worry me that I will never understand the God I worship? Should it frustrate me? Should I be worried if it doesn't? Does accepting that I will never understand make me a naïve person? Thinking hard about this I've decided that if I understood everything about who he is, I would get bored. Where is the fun in understanding everything. Life without the mystery would just be misery. Sure there would be satisfaction for the first little while, but like the finished puzzle or the solved riddle, you put it aside to pursue and conquer the next great thing.

Like a regular relationship, you can never fully know a person. You learn new things about the people you are around the more you spend time with them. The more you know them, the more you realize you want to know more. You can never fully know a person though. They have depth, and that is what makes the relationship worth while. I don't enjoy shallow relationships. I would much rather sit down for coffee with one person than go to a crowded party. I value important conversations, not casual chatter. If you don't have depth, how can someone have a deep relationship with you? If the God I worship was comprehendible, and I knew everything about Him, I think having a relationship with Him would be pretty lame. Mystery is intriguing. We as humans are wired for discovery. That's why we buy that damnable mystery gum flavour; we wanna know what the heck it is!

I don't think it's naïve of me to accept that I will never fully understand God. It's actually kind of liberating. It takes off the pressure and allows me to enjoy the natural discovery that comes from a deep relationship. It's also amazing because I never get bored. I always desire to know more and there will always be more to find. I mean, to put it bluntly, if i knew everything about God, would he really be worthy of my worship? I don't think so.

I've come to a point where I don't worry about understanding the incomprehensible. I know the important things. I know He loves unashamedly. I know He is merciful and full of abounding grace. I know He is beautiful. And I know that He is worth getting to know deeper and deeper.

Most people who have known me for any length of time will know that I have an awful back. It's the first place that seems to get hurt whenever I am doing anything. It's also where I carry my stress, so under high stress situations it's the first thing that seems to get hit. So needless to say, while helping to staff this first DTS in Florida my back has been put through the ringer.

On one of my last days in Florida, I was blessed by a free trip to the chiropractor. I had been praying for the chance to go to one because I REALLY needed an appointment. My last one had been about a year ago, and was thankful beyond words that I got a free one. It also came with a side of electroshock and heat therapy and massage afterwards. It was so amazing! I left feeling much better. My back was still feeling weak, but everything felt like it was put back into place; my muscles just had to get used to what my back was like now. I was over the moon!

And then I traveled...

I love to be prepared for anything when I go somewhere. People may refer to this unjustly as "Overpacking", but I see it more like "What if I really want this sweater... and it gets cold... and I hate all my other ones that day! AND I can't forget [insert anything really] either."

...alright, so I'm an over packer and my bags were overweight. Maintaining 2 checked bags and 2 carry-ons is hard enough when they weigh what they are supposed to let alone when you are going back to Germany and you really don't want to leave anything behind. It's also hard when you've become such an effective packer and seem to fit everything into the suitcase without any issues. It would be nice that if your bag was overweight nothing else fit inside it. It just makes me cross that I can fit everything in nice and neat, but I cant bring it because it weighs too much. The combination of these bags, my seat on my longest plane ride not reclining, and the previous state of my back meant that by the time I got back to Herrnhut, my back was doing more than complaining a little bit.

I arrived back to Herrnhut on Sunday, and by Tuesday it was really hard to manoeuvre. My lower back was super tense and painful and my upper back was littered with knots. As I was walking to the castle I managed to stay true to my clumsy character and tripped over a low chain. I jump over it almost every day I walk to the castle, but not successfully this time. I managed to catch myself with one hand on the cobblestones and the foot that was stuck on the chain. This position wasn't good for my cellphone which was in my hand and proceeded to get a cracked screen, nor my back which seemed to take the brunt of this fall. Yup... I was broken. I walked to the base, adrenaline pumping from embarrassment because I managed to fall in front of a bunch of German highschool kids (of course!). I didn't really realize how much it had hurt until we sat down for lecture. As soon as the first lecture was over, I went and got a massage from Maddie. Basically whenever she would touch my lower back I would cringe and flinch. My face was apparently pretty priceless to onlookers. It hadn't been this bad in a while. It felt like it did just before I threw out my back at Pines two years ago.

The rest of Tuesday was a struggle, and waking up Wednesday was awful. I couldn't bend over at all. I was tired, and fed up. How was I going to lead an outreach if I was in this much pain. I wouldn't last the airplane ride to Asia let alone be able to function for 2 months there! I walked to the base and into base worship in a great deal of discomfort. I decided to put all of that aside though and worship because God was still good. More than half way through the worship set it was getting pretty unbearable. It was really hard to even stand. Then I got a revolutionary idea... I've seen healing and I've prayed healing for others. Why shouldn't I be able to heal myself? So I started praying healing for my back while everyone was singing. I tried to bend over, but nothing was better. I still couldn't bend at all. I came to the conclusion that someone leading the worship set would just have to feel that they need a time of prayer for healing. It happens every once and a while where during worship we stop and pray for people with injuries or who are sick. I decided that if praying for myself wasn't working then we would just have to have a time where other people could pray because I knew that God knew that I needed to be better.

When the worship leader said that he felt like God wanted to heal people, I was still surprised. It's funny how God can still shock you even when you expect something to happen. He said that he felt that God really wanted to heal people and that we weren't even going to have to pray for them; that they would just be healed right then and there. I looked at him (I was within the first few rows) and I guess my face must have registered my surprise. He said that we should test whatever was hurting before and see if it got healed. And so I bent over! I didn't have any pain and I could get back up into an upright position without cringing or stifling a cry... And then I started crying. And smiling. Then he asked us all to raise our hands if we received healing. You had better believe that my hand shot up like a rocket!

Can I just say that my God is good. (Well I guess I can, this IS my blog after all...) I have never experienced healing so instantaneous before. The pain was there, and then it was gone. Like at the snap of my fingers gone. I know that God's really got my back, literally and figuratively. Outreach is coming, much faster than I can really mentally prepare for. I'm not entirely sure what to expect, other than this; God is going to come through and he will really hold us in the palm of His hand the entire time. We are going to see and do amazing things. I don't have to worry because He's got us. He has our backs. 

The other day I got lost in a bookstore. There were so many books. Books from the floor to the ceiling. Old books, new books, well loved and dusty books alike. I started to think about the contents of their pages. Each book is formed by the same principle of putting together a combination of 26 letters into words, and then those words into sentences. Those sentences form into ideas, and from there anything is possible. You can write about anything. Words are so mighty. Humans crave stories and words give us the power to create new worlds and the ability to bring our ideas to life. To boldly forge opinions and express them to others. I was amazed in the bookstore by the shear volume of the words and ideas. The amount of stories, theories, biographies and scientific findings. These words, when read, allow us to unlock things, learn, and grow.

The power of the written word is however eclipsed by the power of words that are spoken to us. We have the choice to read the words that are in books, or not to. However, what we can't control are the words that people use when speaking with us. We can not control what they call us. People can use words for amazing things. For freedom, praise, and encouragement. This same power can be used to destroy as well though. Words are often used to cause anguish: to dishearten and condemn. When we speak these words out over people, we have no idea the harm that we are doing to them. The power that we have just with the words that leave our lips is astonishing.

The beautiful thing though is that the God of the universe speaks words over us too. Words of life from the depths of who he is, strait to the core of who we are. He doesn't call us what the world calls us. His words bring out the best in us. They draw out who we were created to be. They bring out our true beauty. They make us stronger and braver. They make us come to life. He is the one who spoke life into being. He spoke and there was light. He spoke and the waters formed into seas. He spoke and it was. The words on his lips are like water to dry land. They are the blood in our veins and the beat of our heart; they bring life to us.

God being the gentleman that He his, doesn't force His words on us. He gives us the choice to believe and listen to what He is speaking over us. The world calls things that are really easy to believe. That we aren't good enough. That we will never amount to anything. That we are too much, unworthy, or even a lost cause. It is so easy to listen to these words and to tune out what God is speaking over us. However, once we truly learn to embrace who we are, and absorb what he speaks over us, It's like we are living for the first time. He makes us come alive.

I've struggled for a long time truly believing that what God speaks over me is truth. I know that He thinks more good things about me than the grains of sand, but it was much easier to believe the things that the world was telling me I was. The closer I grow to God though, the more my heart opens and allows more of His words to spill in. Each day it's like I get to breath for the first time. I get a glimpse of who God sees when he looks at me and I am astonished. He looks at us with such love and belief it's breathtaking.

God has given this power to us too. To speak these same words of life over others and call them to be the people that He knows they can be. To fill their hearts with His love and their heads with who they really are. My goal is to create life with words. To help people embrace the words that God has for them and understand who He has called them to be.

I started last year in Surkhet, Nepal. I was in the midst of an amazing adventure, but the adventure didn't end there. My entire year of 2013 can be classified as one big adventure. I have been on more planes in this past year than I think I have my whole life. I have seen so many amazing things, and met so many beautiful people. I was a Program Assistant at Pines and moved to Germany. I got to give my mom the shock of her life, see two of my best friends get married and the other welcome new life into the world. I've made friends all over the world and been challenged the most spiritually this year than any other. I got to end this year back in Canada, surrounded by amazing friends. Those two weeks were the proverbial cherry on top of a wonderful year.

Here's the part of the post where I "declare" my New Years resolution. Usually people make resolutions that are fairly specific or cheesy. This year I'm going a bit vague... and hopefully not cheesy! This year, I am resolving to be brave. I have a God who is huge. He is in control. He has a plan. I am a person who worries and gets anxious pretty easily (although I'm also really good at hiding it), so this year I've resolved not to worry. I'm going to take steps of faith and trust more. I'm going to not be scared, but share how I'm feeling and what I want. I'm going to swallow fear and skip forward filled with joy. I'm going to embrace every opportunity and get the most out of this year. 

Watch out 2014. This is going to be fun ;)